Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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