do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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