it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
