i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
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He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
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Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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