Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
