can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
