my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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