If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
