I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
babies were throwing up all over the place
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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