You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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