I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
