drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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