I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
