I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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