I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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