god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
