He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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