I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
