He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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