OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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