I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just cropdusted the office
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
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Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
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He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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