i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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