Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
