I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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