I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
