Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
They took my balls.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
