ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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