my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
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Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
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dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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