So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
