I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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