he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
