if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
