yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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