gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
