She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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