Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
