You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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