The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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