There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
