all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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