watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
