On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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