So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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