apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
