i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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