so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
