My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
This toilet bowl is my home.
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