I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
