i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
