I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
