Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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