then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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