Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
