i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
pop tarts are not kleenex
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
