i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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