You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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