Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
home. puking in laundry basket.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
