HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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