Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
